Sometimes You Need To Go Back, To Move Forward

I have only been back to the Irish restaurant that I left almost 10 years ago, a handful of times. My reason was basically that I do not need to pay for food that I can make at home myself.

Last evening, I had the opportunity to go back to the restaurant with one of my sons. We have been wanting to go for some time now. I needed to go for me. The whole experience was cathartic. I felt a sense of freedom that I have not felt in a long time. I needed to realise that I would never be happy there no matter how things changed. It would never be remotely close to the way it was before. That is all okay. The way it is now makes people happy. As it should. People should be happy at their work. I wish I could know that feeling again myself. I also know that I need to find happiness in other ways.

Going back there paved a way to look forward. I have been stuck in the past for sometime. My mind has been littered with what-ifs. I now realise that no amount of what-ifs would make me feel differently. I think the what-ifs happen when I feel that the path forward does not seem surmountable. They happen when the vision of the future is clouded. They happen when I long for the comfortable rather than embracing the challenging.

How was the experience? The food was solid. The service was attentive. The atmosphere was good. It was more than I had expected it would be. That is good for them. Are there things I would do differently? Without a doubt. Are there things that they are doing now that a younger version of me would have done? For sure.

By having it be a good experience, it opens the door for me to move on. Had it been awful, I would have adopted a messiah complex and have had to figure out a way of how I could swoop in and make it better. It would have caused me to dwell on all of the things that I could change if given just ‘one more chance’.

None of that would be an asset to me. I know what I have to offer. I know what I am capable of. I know what I bring to the table metaphorically and literally. I just need to set my sights on what lies ahead and how to get there. I do not even know where ‘there’ is. But I will find it.

A lot of last night was like having grown up kids. You need to look back and reflect on the memories to see where you have been. You cannot change the things you did. You can only hope that what you did do, helped enough to get them where they need to be. Yet, it is also good to see that once out from under your wing, they turned out really well.

So, here I am. I am letting go of a past that still haunted me. I have no idea what to do with the future. I know what I would want the future to include. I am just not sure how it will all come together. For now, I just need to do things that make those hopes ad those dreams materialise, one step at a time. Here is to making that happen.